They say that “Youth is wasted on the young”, boy are they right.  I was thinking about it today and I realized my kid has it pretty good for a six month old.  Maybe too good.  A lot better than I’ve got it, that’s for sure.

10 Reasons Why My Son Has a Better Life Than I Do

1. People congratulate him when he poops. – Every time the kid poops, it’s like he did something special.  He’s not doing that on purpose, it just happens.  When I poop it is generally followed by negative comments from people.

2. Women are always touching his junk. – Seems like everywhere we go someone is rummaging through the kid’s “junk drawer”.  At home, relatives, the doctors, everywhere. I usually have to brush up against unsuspecting people at the grocery store for that kind of stimulation.

3. He gets to eat 7 times a day. – The best part is people worry if he doesn’t eat everything at each meal.  I’d settle for eating 5 times a day.  Ok, I already do.

4. My wife giggles when he has gas. – He’s a “little stinker” when he has gas.  When I do it, I have to turn on the fan before I head out to the living room to sleep on the couch.

5. He’s handfed. – There is a reason all of those kings and world leaders are always shown being hand fed grapes and whatnot.  It damn luxurious.

6. 24 hour day. He’s asleep 13 hours of it. – Being up for two hours at a time has to be tiring.

7. People think his fat rolls are cute. – When I go to the beach, I never get “Awww, look at how cute all of his rolls are!  Oh, he’s got chubby breasts, that’s adorable.”

8. Freedom to relieve himself anywhere. – Imagine for a moment how nice that would be.  You’re sitting in a boring meeting at work, watching some goof page through his 2000 Power Point slides and you decide now is the time to take a crap.  Absolutely wonderful.  Push that baby out.

9. He gets more hair every day. – I’m beginning to think that he’s adding the hair I’m losing.

10. He can pee in the tub without fear. – For some unknown reason, baby pee is this ultra clean liquid that people have no problem getting all over themselves, but once you reach the age of 29 your urine is toxic and can cause irreversible damage to the health and well being of others using the shower after you.

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