Here is the note I just received from Church and Dwight, with comments added in blue. My response is below.

Dear Andy, (again, I removed my last name even though only my family reads this crap)

Thank you for contacting us recently regarding Church & Dwight Co., Inc. products. (you’re welcome)
In order to fully respond to your inquiry we need to do further research.  We will respond to you as soon as this research is complete. (What the @#$% could they possibly be researching? Has it moved past the animal testing phase onto live human subjects? Was I an unwilling participant in some twisted government conspiracy? Holy crap! Is this stuff poisoning my underarm region/lower back, where I routinely apply a thin layer to prevent back sweat. Too much information?)
We appreciate your patience as we research this matter for you. (I think you’re making a poor assumption. And in this case, when you “assume,” you’re only making an ass out of you because “me” be totally on to your “clinical “antiperspirant scam.)

Caroline (name removed to protect the innocent, at least until she’s proven guilty)
Consumer Relations Representative
Please do not reply to this email. If you would like to respond to this message, please click on the link below.

http://www.econsumeraffairs.com/churchdwight/contactusfollowup.htm?F1=004523099A&F2=USA&F3=ARCLINIC 

(I encourage you to also write a witty response on my behalf.  However, if you choose to support my cause, I ask that you are respectful and that you do not use any vulgar or threatening language. Please be sure to clearly identify yourself. It will also help if you are hysterical like I am. In the unlikely event that you actually choose to respond, I ask that you copy your email in its entirety to the comment section of this entry.  Mom, I’m looking at you.  Make me proud.)

Here is the response I just submitted:

Good Morrow Caroline,

You’re welcome for my recent contact regarding Church & Dwight Co., Inc. products earlier this week. I appreciate your gratitude.  However, I must be honest when I tell you that your note left me with more questions that answers.  What exactly is being researched? Was the stock language in your email truly a fitting response for such a gloriously well-crafted and hysterical complaint letter? Does anyone over there have a sense of humor? I just want to know if I’m missing something or if you owe me three dollars. That’s it. I promise to cease my snarky emails as soon as I get a straight answer.

Thank you for your understanding of the seriousness of this issue, and you’re welcome in advance for this response.

Best,

Andy 

ps. Dance like no one is watching, love like you’ve never been hurt, sing like no one is listening, and live every day like it’s heaven on Earth.

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