I’ve decided to skip my recent run of hilarious letters to corporate America and return to my roots: potty humor. This is a dad blog after all.
Dom’s 3rd birthday is rapidly approaching and up until this week, he was still having trouble understanding why anyone in their right mind would inconvenience themselves by using a [...]
Here is the email I just submitted to Nickelodeon, reproduced in its entirety:
Dear Nick Jr. Program Director,
I must reluctantly thank you for moving The Fresh Beat Band to the 6:30 time slot. It has inspired me to take my son outside and enjoy the cool summer evenings. As an added bonus, we usually miss most [...]
Here is the note I just received from Church and Dwight, with comments added in blue. My response is below.
Dear Andy, (again, I removed my last name even though only my family reads this crap)
Thank you for contacting us recently regarding Church & Dwight Co., Inc. products. (you’re welcome) In order [...]
Below is the actual email I just submitted to the Church and Dwight Consumer Relationships Department. I hope they understand the gravity of this situation. I also received an automated response that is copied below my letter.
Product: Arrid Ultima 1.8 oz Antiperspirant Deododorant
UPC: 2260017167
Lot #: L9105EX04-11
Dear Arrid XX Dry Marketing Team,
I was [...]
Dominic before learning the harsh reality of a cruel and taco-less world
Dear Mr. [Andy], (yes, I removed my last name even though you all know who I am)
Thank you for taking the time to email us regarding our Ortega product. Your comments and patronage are very much appreciated. (Clearly stock language from PR. [...]
Below is the letter I just submitted to the Ortega Website at http://ortega.com/, reproduced in its entirety. I think it speaks for itself. The horror. The horror.
Product UPC: 4150100803
Manufacturer Filling Date Code: I have looked at the box for three minutes and have concluded that this number does not exist.
Message Subject: The Tragic Events [...]
Round 1:
Combatants:
Twist
Dr. Dre
Career Began with:
Fresh Beat Band
NWA
Winner:
Dr. Dre
Hangs out with:
This Guy
Snoop Dogg
Winner:
Dr. Dre
Favorite Instrument:
Himself
Glock
Winner:
Dr. Dre
Final Verdict: Dr. Dre
I’m paraphrasing here, but Dr. Dre was “strapped with gats while Twist was cuddlin’ a Cabbage Patch.”
Round 2:
Combatants:
Twist
Vanilla Ice
Biggest Hit:
“Loco Legs”
“Ice Ice Baby”
Winner: Twist
Biggest Pickle:
Losing his voice while trying to find a word that rhymes with “music”
Being held [...]
Over the past week, 1-800-FLOWERS.com has shelled out some big bucks to show up across the Yahoo! and MSN homepages in an attempt to sell their Valentine’s Day flower arrangements. I say this as modestly as possible–it’s lucky for their shareholders that someone in their PR department was smart enough to realize that Notoriousdad.com pulls [...]
Last weekend we took a trip to the Cleveland Metroparks Rainforest with our friends Beth and Dwayne and their two little ones, Riley and Lilah (or as Dom calls them, “Wiley and Ya-ya”). As an aside, the Rainforest is fantastic for older toddlers. Everything is easily accessible and open, and it only takes about an [...]
“Oh, he’s calm. . .calm like a bomb”
While my marriage may be a democracy, my relationship with my son is much closer to what I like to refer to as a “benign dictatorship.” As any good dictator knows, it’s important to suppress the will of the proletariat to prevent an uprising. In this, the first [...]