Keeping a few simple tips in mind can greatly improve the pictures of your kids. Follow these and you’ll have people asking you where you got your pictures done.

1. Get Up Close

Get your camera close to capture all of those little details like their fingers, toes, curls of hair and especially their eyes. Children change so fast, seemingly day to day sometimes, capturing these images will allow you to relive some of the warmest memories about your child.

2. Get Far Away

Hey, I thought you said… If every picture you have of your child was taken from four feet away, you lose a bit of their relative size. So back up, way up if you have to and use your images to show how small they really are in proportion to the rest of this world we live in.

3. Ditch the Posing

Kids don’t sit still for a damn thing let alone some of your camera shenanigans. So don’t make them. Let them do whatever they want and start taking pictures. There is something beautiful about catching them in those moments when they are just being themselves.

4. Always Be Shooting

If you’re shooting with a film camera you can ignore this one and go back to churning butter. With digital cameras you can take a 1000 pictures at no real cost. So why not? You never know when you’ll catch that moment. This picture above, I shot 700 pictures that day and I caught this as the second to last shot.

5. Don’t Always Shoot Them From The Front

To create some visual interest in your photographs, change the angle at which you photograph your kids. Take an image from behind them, it can help to place you in their shoes, see what they are seeing. Climb up on the jungle gym and shoot down on them. Whatever you choose, at least try it. You’ll quickly find that your photographs are much more interesting this way.

It’s easy to rest peacefully when your bed is made of rock-hard muscle and confidence

During our latest trip to Giant Eagle, Kerry pointed out a shirt that I can only assume was designed to be a Father’s Day present. It had two spaces for little hand prints delineated by dotted lines and the vomit-inducing slogan, “Best Dad, Hands Down” in bold colorful lettering written across the nipples. Apparently mothers are supposed to dip their child’s hands in ink or paint or blood and then press them onto the shirt creating what may be the most craptastic Father’s Day present in the entire history of fatherhood.

Proving my wife rules, Kerry made fun of whatever poor-excuse-for-a-mother would try to pass this off as a legitimate gift, culminating in a full-out laughgasm when she realized the lady behind us in the check-out line was actually purchasing the shirt.

Mothers, you obviously need some help. We meant it when we said we didn’t need anything, but since you won’t listen, here’s a quick list of five things we actually want:

#1: Home-made gifts – This may surprise you, but we’re not completely heartless. We love showing off our kids’ scribbles. As proof, I proudly display last year’s Father’s Day gift on my desk at work, a “hand-print” pen holder my wife (and allegedly Dom) made out of clay. However, it’s a fine line. Here’s the distinction: if it’s going to be a cute little craft, it should be able to be displayed without being worn. We’re all sex symbols in our own minds. Let us have our delusions for one day a year, and refrain from forcing us to wear a #1 dad fishing hat to prove our love.

#2: Tools – This isn’t a cop out gift. Men really like tools. I suggest something dangerous, preferably with a shiny metallic blade. It’s Father’s Day, so wait at least 24 hours before mentioning the home improvement project you had in mind when you bought it and just let him dream about all the stuff he’d like to cut for a day.

#3: A Nap – Make it a really long one, right at the part of the day when you’re usually forcing him to do something productive.

#4: “The Business” – I won’t elaborate because this is a family blog, but we promote honesty at Notorious D.A.D, so it had to be said.

#5: 6,000 Calories of Meat – Bacon and eggs for breakfast (use a whole pig and a dozen eggs), roast beef sandwich for lunch (remember to buy the horseradish), and steak and potatoes for dinner (with a side of steak and potatoes). And the best part for you? We’ll probably fall asleep before achieving gift #4.

If you only have time for one, I think I speak for all the dads out there when I say, please choose #4. Whatever you ultimately decide to do, remember that we really are as simple as we seem.