As Dom grows older, his ever-growing cognitive capacity makes him more interesting by the day. Every now and then, he says something that gives me backstage passes into that innocent little brain of his. Generally, it’s incredibly refreshing to see the world through a four year-olds eyes, but tonight Dom said something that left me feeling what can only be described as terror.

Just to set the stage, some of you may remember my previous post, Notorious D.A.D. Rap Battles Volume I. In that post, I professed my hatred for Twist, Nickelodeon’s beat-boxing member of the Fresh Beat Band, otherwise known as, “Everthing that’s wrong with the Universe.” I pitted Twist against Dr. Dre, the unrivaled best rapper of all time. Spoiler Alert: Twist didn’t fare very well.

Tonight, I was reviewing “AP” rhyming words with my son (nap, gap, map, you get the point). One of the words that he picked out of the pile of flash cards was “rap.” You can imagine my horror when I had the following conversation with my son:

Dom: Daddy, what is “rap”

Me: It’s like singing and talking at the same time. Actually, Rappers use a lot of rhyming words. Did that help?

Dom: No. What is “rap”

Me (switching to a dead-on Dr. Dre impression): Where all the mad rappers at? It’s like a jungle in this habitat, but all you savage cats knew that I was strapped with gats while you was cuddling a Cabbage Patch. See? That’s rapping.

Dom: Ohhhhhhhhh, like Twist on Fresh Beat Band

There you have it, faithful readers. Twist is officially the bar that other rappers are measured against in my son’s fragile little mind. Oh the humanity.

It’s too late for Dominic–He’s a lost cause, but it’s not too late for your little guy. I implore you, don’t make the same mistake I did. Protect your son from Twist and his Fresh Beat Band cronies, or your namesake will become the next victim, cursed to live a life devoid of the joy that can only be provided by quality gangsta rap. 

"Captain Dominic Dropping Anchor"

I’ve decided to skip my recent run of hilarious letters to corporate America and return to my roots: potty humor.  This is a dad blog after all.

Dom’s 3rd birthday is rapidly approaching and up until this week, he was still having trouble understanding why anyone in their right mind would inconvenience themselves by using a toilet.

Now don’t get me wrong, he’s a smart kid. He has a clear understanding of potty physics and mastered the fine motor skills necessary to remove his underwear months ago (which he showed the neighborhood with an impromptu demonstration in our front yard).  I think his problem was a simple lack of motivation.

That’s where Pirate Potty comes in.  I know it’s hard to believe, but I had no idea that something as kick-ass as piracy could be applied to potty training.  It was perfect. My brother gave Dom an enormous pirate ship for his second birthday that, to this day, remains one of his favorite toys, so he already had a frame of reference. Additionally, he was born an exceptionally talented pillager.  With the help of this book, Dom took to the potty like a pirate to scurvy.

As you can see from the picture, the book comes with a paper pirate hat that Captain Dominic only gets to wear when he’s dropping anchor.  Each time he successfully uses the toilet, he gets a Jolly Roger sticker for his potty chart.

While not having to smell his pirate booty was gift enough, as an additional bonus, I get to hear him say things like “Arrrr Matey, I need to pee pee” and “Arrr I’m making a poopy, you dirty land lubbers!”

Since instituting Pirate Potty Time, I haven’t had to swab Captain Dominic’s poop deck once. We’ve even taken him out in public in big-kid underwear, and he rewarded us by shouting “Arrrr I need to plunder the potty” right in the middle of the Panera lunch rush. I have never been more proud of him.

Because 1/5 of my fan base is my wife, I would have a mutiny on my hands if I didn’t at least acknowledge that she’s been an extremely supportive first mate to Captain Dominic throughout his voyage into potty independence.

While my marriage may be a democracy, my relationship with my son is much closer to what I like to refer to as a “benign dictatorship.” As any good dictator knows, it’s important to suppress the will of the proletariat to prevent an uprising. In this, the first of my 37 part series, I will discuss three important ideological rules of any benign dictatorship:

Rule #1: Control the Supply of Goods and Services: A strong dictator will create demand for a particular good or service and then suppress the supply of said good or service to manipulate the behavior of the proletariat.

When my son first transitioned to a toddler bed, he quite literally got up 113 times before we finally got him to fall asleep. Fortunately, I am a shrewd dictator who studied economics and understands the power of creating unnecessary demand and then increasing the price by suppressing supply.

First, I went to the store and purchased a series of safe plastic toys, including a car, an airplane, and an elephant. Each night thereafter, these bedtime toys have been introduced to Dominic five to ten minutes before it’s time to get under the covers. He is allowed to play with them in bed while we read him poems and say his prayers. However, each time he gets out of bed for more than a three count, he loses a toy, thus suppressing the supply of bedtime toys and subsequently increasing the price of getting out of bed.

I suggest starting with five or six toys the first night to give yourself some additional leverage until your child learns the rules. It may sound a bit cruel, but remember that he gets to keep all of the cool new toys if he simply stays in bed.

Q: But what if he keeps taunting me by getting out of bed for two seconds at a time?

A: No problem. Parents can manipulate the space time continuum by counting faster when necessary to prove a point. Alternatively, you could just start at three on the second offense.

Q: What if you take away all of his toys, thus removing all incentive to stay in bed

A: If you do it right, it’ll never happen. Make sure the toys are interesting and never give in. If you take a toy and he remains out of bed, simply start a new three-count and move on to the next toy. Show no emotion, except a steel resolve.

If this method doesn’t work for you, you’re probably failing to follow the next law of all successful benign dictatorships:

Rule #2: Do Not Negotiate with Terrorists: A strong dictator will greet all acts of terrorism against the ruling party with swift and severe justice, resorting to a scorched earth policy if necessary.

My son is adorable, but he is not rational, and he completely lacks the ability to delay gratification. He will use any means necessary to get what he wants now. Negotiation with a toddler terrorist, even if occasionally “successful,” only diminishes a dictator’s power. If your toddler could think rationally, it would go something like this:

“I want to watch another Little Einsteins, but daddy just turned off the TV and said it’s time to eat dinner. I’m probably SOL when it comes to TV, but I’ll open this round of negotiations by whining and pretending I have no bones and see what counteroffer daddy puts on the table.”

Even if you successfully negotiate an end to the tantrum, you have just unknowingly reinforced the simple fact that the whining/jelly leg routine establishes a seat at the table. He now knows that while he might not get more TV, he can certainly squeeze something out of you.

Instead, use your three-count again. If you get to three, he gets a timeout—every time. As always, be consistent and don’t show any emotion, no matter how frustrated you may be. Don’t say a word that isn’t a number between one and three. If you’re at a store, timeout can be the car. Get creative. If you’re under a time constraint, restricting the supply of a favorite set of toys can serve as a stand-in for the timeout. As I said above, I’ve found that you must create demand for more than one toy so he always has something to lose.

Rule #3: Remember the “Benign” in Benign Dictatorship: When the proletariat follows the rules of the benign dictator, he should be rewarded with additional foodstuffs and freedom. Even when revolting, the proletariat should be treated with respect.

Always be fair. Always be consistent, and always follow through on promises. Good behavior should be rewarded, whether it’s with a gift or simple praise. When things aren’t going so smoothly, always remember that you’re the adult. You should have more control over your emotions than your toddler.

Note: minus the hilarious metaphor, the methods to curb “stop behavior” described above are slight variations on those described in the book, 1-2-3 Magic. The book also gives some good advice for promoting “start behaviors.”

Keeping a few simple tips in mind can greatly improve the pictures of your kids. Follow these and you’ll have people asking you where you got your pictures done.

1. Get Up Close

Get your camera close to capture all of those little details like their fingers, toes, curls of hair and especially their eyes. Children change so fast, seemingly day to day sometimes, capturing these images will allow you to relive some of the warmest memories about your child.

2. Get Far Away

Hey, I thought you said… If every picture you have of your child was taken from four feet away, you lose a bit of their relative size. So back up, way up if you have to and use your images to show how small they really are in proportion to the rest of this world we live in.

3. Ditch the Posing

Kids don’t sit still for a damn thing let alone some of your camera shenanigans. So don’t make them. Let them do whatever they want and start taking pictures. There is something beautiful about catching them in those moments when they are just being themselves.

4. Always Be Shooting

If you’re shooting with a film camera you can ignore this one and go back to churning butter. With digital cameras you can take a 1000 pictures at no real cost. So why not? You never know when you’ll catch that moment. This picture above, I shot 700 pictures that day and I caught this as the second to last shot.

5. Don’t Always Shoot Them From The Front

To create some visual interest in your photographs, change the angle at which you photograph your kids. Take an image from behind them, it can help to place you in their shoes, see what they are seeing. Climb up on the jungle gym and shoot down on them. Whatever you choose, at least try it. You’ll quickly find that your photographs are much more interesting this way.

It’s 3 o’clock in the morning.  You infant child is awake, screaming and they have their first fever.  You don’t know what to do.

You’ve called your pediatrician, but you’re waiting for them to call back.

In the mean time, who do you turn to for help?

Hells yes, the Internet. Because who knows more about pediatric medicine than the Internet? Absolutely no one.

The Internet is filled with knowledgeable folks fully willing to distribute pertinent advice at no charge and there is no stronger consolidation of these people anywhere than on Yahoo Answers.

I mean, doctor’s use the Internet too, right?  And what else would they be doing after a long day at work other than providing free medical advice to complete strangers for whom they have no medical history on?

So that’s why, if I feel that my child’s health is in such a serious state that they may require Emergency medical attention, I always take the time to post a question on Yahoo Answers to get expert advice.

Photo: eschipul

“Dom at 7 months—completely strung out on “paci”

Dominic turned two years-old today. That sweet little baby boy who slept on my chest has grown into a willful little toddler driven by an insatiable lust for mini vanilla wafers and demonic talking Elmo dolls. Obviously I’m kidding—I adore my little buddy and love the little personality he’s developing. I have a sappy post about how much I love my boy ready to go, but I’ll save it for another day because it’s crucial that I deliver an important warning to all parents of children 24-months and younger:

YOUR CHILD MIGHT BE A PACIFIER ADDICT.

Like heroin, pacifiers give users a short term respite from the pain and terror of an uncertain world. Sure, you think you know what you’re doing. You tell yourself that you’re in control. You’re just going to let your child suck on it here and there to calm him down. But then, before you know it, he needs the pacifier just to fall asleep, and he’s “riding the snake” during every nap.

Kerry and I tried the suggested “you’re a big boy now” intervention before bed tonight, culminating with Dominic throwing his pacifier into the ivy patch behind our house so the baby rabbits can use it. I think he figured out the baby rabbit story was a load of crap. As I type this, Kerry is sitting next to Dom’s crib talking him down off a ledge. He’s working through excruciating pacifier withdrawal symptoms, and I’m going to be honest, it’s touch and go right now.

Pacifier addicts, like my son, don’t just harm themselves but everyone who surrounds them. It could be a week before we get a good night sleep, and Kerry will be punished all day tomorrow. Take my advice, friends. Ditch the pacifier before it’s too late. It’s a hell of a lot harder to deny your child his sense of security when he can curse you by name. The longer you wait, the harder it’ll be to break him of the habit. If you don’t heed my warning, you’ll end up just like us. The horror. The horror.

Fear #1: Your wife is using headphones to pump Mozart into her womb, but you feel no connection with your unborn child whatsoever.

Andy Says: Completely irrational

I’m just going to come out and say it. Every time Kerry made me feel Dom kick, I couldn’t get the scene from Alien out of my head. You know the one I’m talking about – baby alien rips through dude’s chest cavity; hilarity ensues. In theory I was glad I was going to be a dad, but I didn’t feel much of a connection to my unborn child. However, the moment Dom came out I felt instantly connected to him, little cone-head and all.

Fear #2: You’re completely unprepared to be a father

Andy Says: 100% Rational

Dude, you’re totally not ready. The good news is that you don’t have to know everything right away. It’s a “learn-on-the-job” type gig, not to be confused with “rent-to-own.”

However, I do suggest swapping out whatever drivel you’re currently reading in the bathroom for Happiest Baby on the Block. Pay attention to the 5 S’s: swaddling, shhhing, swinging, sucking, sedating. I’m not sure if that last one is accurate. . . Regardless, Dom responded well to the techniques in the book, and I responded well to sleeping again.

Fear #3: Sex won’t be as good after your wife gives birth

Andy Says: Completely irrational.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking after child-birth, sex is going to be like humping a punch bowl. You’re wrong. Everything heals, gentlemen. While it’s true that you have to be a little more willing to seize the moment, in my experience, there’s something about being my wife’s baby daddy that turns her on like nothing else in the world can.

Fear #4: You won’t have any time for yourself

Andy Says: Somewhat rational, at least for the first few years.

It is absolutely true that I’ve seen fewer movies, played fewer video games, and laid on the couch like a lazy pile-of-mess much less since Dom was born. However, once you see your little guy, it simply doesn’t matter much. I consider missing Harold and Kumar Go to Guantanamo Bay in the theatre a fair trade for hearing my flesh and blood proclaim loudly and proudly that he made a “poopy.”

Fear #5: You’re wife has gone orca and you’ll never be attracted to her again

Andy Says: Completely Irrational

This is going to sound like manufactured BS to appease my wife, but I can honestly say that I thought Kerry was about the cutest thing ever when she was pregnant. If you’re not feeling the same way as I did, remind yourself that your wife/girlfriend/drunk-chick-you-knocked-up has become a walking boarding house for your spawn. Your libido has rightfully fallen a few spots on her prioritization list. She is, after all, dealing with someone drop-kicking her uterus from the inside. Give her a few months and the benefit of the doubt. It’s true that you’ll never be the most important person in the world again, but then, neither will she.