Because I’d like to pass on my sedentary lifestyle to my son, we play a lot of MarioKart. The great outdoors are vastly over-rated in my opinion, and I’m pretty sure I’ve passed on both my allergies and my asthma to my son. Go run around outside? No thanks, I’d rather arouse my senses with an orgy of stimuli. And since it’s played on the Wii, it counts as exercise.

At first I just enjoyed getting to play video games with my three year-old son on my lap. I didn’t even mind his little hands pulling down on my steering wheel like an anchor. I just laughed off the fact that his complete and utter inability to turn caused at least 60% of my power-slides to fire off in the wrong direction. He was still learning the game, after all. And while he honed his skills, I faithfully fulfilled my fatherly duties by passing down important life lessons like, “if shortcuts were easy they would just be the way.” I also warned him that Waluigi is a real son of a bitch. 

However, as we’ve played more together, I’ve noticed a rather disturbing trend. Despite the wisdom I’ve tried to instill in my son, he doesn’t seem to understand that the game isn’t supposed to be fun unless you win. Dominic laughs and roars along with Bowser even when we only achieve a rank of “A”. Now, I’ve tried the rational approach. I’ve explained in small words his little brain can understand that we only unlock new content with a “star” rating or above, but he just doesn’t seem to care. I’ve explained that the appropriate response to a winged shell is a series of expletives so vulgar that they would make Mel Gibson blush, but he just giggles away like a little girl while Bowser slams his handlebars in frustration. I’m at my wits end.

I racked my brain trying to determine how best to convince Dominic that the fun is not in playing the game–only in winning the game. Eventually, I surmised a complex reward system based on our rank at the end of each four-race circuit. Any rank above an “A” would be reinforced with copious amounts of candy and juice. Obviously, as any good dad would, I have also outlined a series of punishments for ranks of “B” and below to teach Dominic the important life lesson that there are severe consequences for sucking at things. The scheduled punishments included:

B Rank–Loss of favorite toy
C Rank–Loss of bed sheet and pillows
D Rank–Loss of all fatherly affection for the period of one week
E Rank—adoption

Unfortunately, my buzzkill wife caught wind of my ingenious plan and nixed my reward schedule without even listening to my well-reasoned justification. Apparently she doesn’t want Dominic to succeed in life. Next thing you know, she’ll be saying I should stop forcing him to bat left-handed.

Full Disclosure: This type of behavior may be hereditary as I look the exact same way when I watch this video.

In my family money wasn’t talked about, because it wasn’t proper to talk about money.  And guess what?  I ended up doing a lot of stupid things with money that I regret today.  I know I am not alone in this regard.  And while I do think it is a travesty that with all of the worthless shit our children learn in school there is no curriculum about money and financial matters, I don’t think that our government should be teaching anyone how to deal with money, let alone impressionable children.

Since my son is only six months old I’ve got plenty of time to get a plan in place to teach him about money.  Here are some of the things I would like to do once he’s old enough:

Allow him to earn money – Whether it be with chores around the house or some simple tasks helping Mom or Dad, allow him to learn the connection between work and money will help him to appreciate his earning more in addition to his purchases.

Separate money for different goals – Managing money for different goals is useful throughout life which is why 50% goes to savings, 25% goes to spending, 10% goes to charity and 15% goes to investing.  The low tech method for this is using 4 different jars or boxes, each labeled with the appropriate task, but there are also cool piggy banks out there that take this concept to heart.

Opening a savings account – Almost every major bank and credit union has some type of children’s savings account that requires only a very small amount to open.  Having your child open an account and make regular deposits from their savings jar can be a really fun way to teach them how important it is to save money.  Their deposit book will immediately become one of their most valued possessions.

Make him keep records – A single piece of paper would suffice here, but make sure that every deposit into the piggy bank is written as well as every amount spent.  Not only will this hopefully get him in the habit of keeping clear financial records, but it will also allow him to visualize what he has done over time.

Teach him the value/pressure of a loan – If the opportunity presents itself, possibly for a large purchase he can’t afford, I will allow him to take a “loan” from me, with interest and a regular payment schedule of course.  Will the car be worth it if he has to lose 25% of his allowance every week for a few months to get it?  That’s a lesson with value that can’t be underestimated.

But like I said, my kid is only six months old so I’ve got a long time before I will be able to implement any of these ideas.  I would however, like to know, for those of you with children, how do you teach your kids about money?  Leave em’ in the comments.

Photo: somegeekintn