I’ve routinely cut my own hair since college because I realized that the opportunity cost of giving $10 to the barber, was not having $10 to give to the bartender. Only after I gained the means to buy both beer and haircuts did I realize that I’m also a cheap bastard. Thus, I’ve become very efficient at cutting my own hair, but I digress. All you really need to know is that I cut my stupid hair tonight.

I was afraid the clipper buzz would wake Dom because my bathroom is right across the hall from his room, so I took refuge in Kerry’s bathroom for a quick haircut and a shower. What I found in her bathroom blew my freaking mind. Here’s a comprehensive list of the items that rested on a single 12 inch shelf (how she fit everything was a modern engineering marvel). I sampled each in order to better understand the female psyche:

1) Organix Nourishing Coconut Milk Shampoo – presumably just like my more economical Suave shampoo, except that it smelled like delicious coconuts instead of sweaty taint.

2) Breathe Romance High Lather Moisture Wash (Soap Free) – I can’t even wrap my mind around soap-free soap. However, I can attest to the fact that it smells exactly like romance.

3) Garnier Microbead Cream Scrub *oil free – Take regular liquid soap, pour in one handful of sand and three handfuls of excruciating pain.

4) Clinique 7-Day Scrub Cream – The more viscous/masochistic version of Garnier Microbead Cream Scrub. I’m assuming it’s at least $15 more expensive per bottle because they throw in an extra handful of sand.

5) In(fus)ium 23 Shampoo – Suave shampoo in a futuristic looking bottle.

6) Mary Kay Red Tea & Fig Loofah Body Cleanser –I’ve never smelled a fig and I didn’t know red tea existed, so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt on the scent.

7) Rusk Sensories Calming Conditioner – Boasts a guarana & ginger 60-second hair revive. It has been an hour and a half and my widow’s peak has shown no signs of revival, religious or otherwise.

8 ) Rusk Sensories Calming Shampoo – Suave shampoo in a standard Suave bottle. The label is different, but it has that same Suave sweaty taint scent that I know I can trust.

9) Mach 3 Straight Razor – Finally, a product I can fully endorse without reservation. I support both Gillette for making this kick-ass product and hair-removal in general.

I wrote in my inaugural post that Dom was a miracle. It’s true. We weren’t supposed to have children. Kerry has endometriosis, a disease that causes endometrial cells to grow outside her uterus. These cells react to the body’s hormones and can cause severe abdominal pain and infertility. As many as 10% of women have the disease, but symptoms can vary widely in intensity. Some women only find out they have endometriosis after they’ve had trouble conceiving. Others have very minor cases medically speaking, but have intense pelvic pain. The symptoms are rather vague, and as a result endometriosis can be difficult to diagnose. Kerry burned through three doctors who told her to suck it up before finding a doctor who correctly diagnosed her endo.

On Friday, Kerry will go in for her fifteenth surgery in about 7 years. She’s been scoped twelve times, had a partial hysterectomy, and then a follow up surgery to remove her remaining ovary after cysts began to form and burst each month. Friday’s surgery is designed to remove scar tissue from her previous surgeries and remove any endo that may have remained after the last round. Surgeries to repair damage from other surgeries – someone please explain that one to me.

One appointment we’re being told that the endometriosis is fed by hormones and a hysterectomy will stop its growth. After the pain resurfaces, the story changes to endometriosis can continue to grow after the ovaries and uterus are removed in rare cases. I trust Kerry’s doctor, but mostly just because he seems as frustrated as we are.

Only after watching a friend anxiously prepare for his wife’s appendectomy did Kerry and I realize how numb we’ve become to the whole process. The first few surgeries we prayed for a full recovery and an end to the pain. By the tenth we’d changed our tune and asked for Kerry to feel good 90% of the time. At this point, I think we’d both be happy with 80% and a heating pad that warms up a little faster.

Like most men, when I see my wife has a problem, I want to solve it. It drives me CRAZY that I can’t fix this one. I hate that she apologizes to me when she doesn’t feel well. I hate that she feels guilty when the pain prevents her from being the wife and mother she wants to be. I hate watching her brow furrow when someone asks when we’re going to make Dom a big brother.

But mostly, I just marvel at how strong she is; how committed she is to running around the house with Dom even when it hurts; how hard she pushes herself to be there for her family; how freely she loves me and our son. She is so intensely compassionate to other people, while asking for so little in return.

I married an amazing woman – a woman who I believe was created to be Dom’s mother, just like I believe I was created to be his father. He makes us complete. Sometimes when I feel like my prayers travel unanswered out into the abyss, I remind myself that God answered our most fervent prayer . . . in spades.

The following conversation proves to me that I married the right woman:

Me: (Sloppily throws all of his dishes into the sink)

My Wife: (Sighs) Can you please wash off your dishes, once the food dries on there it is much more difficult to get off.

Me: Dear, I would, but I know that if I were to wash off those dishes, no matter how hard I tried, I would do a half-assed job.  Then, I would put those dishes into the dishwasher, incorrectly, per your standards, and you’d have to take them out to rearrange them whereby you would notice they weren’t really cleaned, so in addition to having to place them in the dishwasher properly you’d also have to wash them again.  I’m leaving these dishes in the sink for your own benefit.

My Wife: (Another much deeper sigh) Yes, you’re right.  I’ll get them.

God I love that woman.

Photo: editor B