Here is the email I just submitted to Nickelodeon, reproduced in its entirety:

Dear Nick Jr. Program Director,

I must reluctantly thank you for moving The Fresh Beat Band to the 6:30 time slot. It has inspired me to take my son outside and enjoy the cool summer evenings.  As an added bonus, we usually miss most of Dora too. Before this move, I was so entranced by Yo Gabba Gabba that I couldn’t pull myself away from the television. And while I am having serious withdrawal symptoms because you denied me the drug that is DJ Lance Rock, my son and I now take Moose A. Moose’s advice and go on backyard bug hunts instead of fueling our intense hatred of Twist. All things considered, it’s probably for the best.

Now please don’t misunderstand me. My son and I still watch way too much tv, and we love the vast majority of your programming.  Even Linny the androgynous guinea pig from the Wonder Pets has grown on me with her inspiring message of teamwork. And while I could take or leave Dora, I’d be lying if I told you I’ve never imagined zipping through the rainforest with an anthropomorphic rescue pack on a mission to save baby animals like Diego. I will admit that forcing myself to accept that someone as awesome as Diego could be related to someone as annoying as Dora hurts my brain, but at least my son learns how to read a map.

But back to my point. Fresh Beat “Band” episodes are excruciating. Here are just a few reasons why they make my red American blood boil:

1. The girls have regular names, but the guys are Twist and Shout. Pick a direction for the love of all things holy. How about Kiki, Marina,      Frank, and Stephen? Or if you prefer, Twist, Shout, Dance, and Boogie.  See how easy that was?
2. While the music program at their school is impressive, the curriculum is seriously lacking in mathematics and the hard sciences.
3. Twist

In case you need more convincing, you can visit my blog at www.notoriousdad.com and review the epic rap battle between Twist and Dr. Dre.  SPOILER ALERT: Twist doesn’t fare too well.

I hope this is enough evidence to show you the error of your ways and to make you realize that DJ Lance Rock is the only live action star you need on Nick Jr. Stop wasting your time trying to build The Fresh Beat brand and concentrate on your real assets.  Did you know that your licensing department has completely neglected Yo Gabba Gabba?  I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true.  The only products I’ve seen are a horrible Plex key-tar, a DJ Lance boom-box that inexplicably won’t allow you to remove the characters, and a Brobee kite that got me so excited I flew it into some power lines right in the Target parking lot because I couldn’t wait to get to the park. Sadly, my son never got a turn.

I’m not above groveling. I am prepared to beg you to take my money.  Let me buy a Muno action figure. Please? Let me buy an adult sized T-shirt like the ones the kids wear on the show. And would a DJ lance Rock Drum Major Hat kill you to release this Christmas?

In summary, I’d just like to say that DJ Lance Rock embodies all that is right with the universe and Twist is the scourge of the Earth.

Thank you for your time,

Andy

Combatants:	Twist	Dr. Dre
Career Began with:	Fresh Beat Band	NWA	Winner: Dr. Dre
Hangs out with:	This Guy	Snoop Dogg	Winner: Dr. Dre
Favorite Instrument:	Himself	Glock	Winner: Dr. Dre

Final Verdict: Dr. Dre

I’m paraphrasing here, but Dr. Dre was “strapped with gats while Twist was cuddlin’ a Cabbage Patch.”

Round 2:

Combatants:	Twist	Vanilla Ice
Biggest Hit:	“Loco Legs”	“Ice Ice Baby”	Winner: Twist
Biggest Pickle:	Losing his voice while trying to find a word that rhymes with “music”	Being held by the ankles off of a 20th floor balcony by Suge Knight	Winner: Vanilla Ice
When He Knew He had Hit Rock Bottom:	Joined the Fresh Beat Band	Attempted suicide via drug overdose	Winner: Vanilla Ice

Final Verdict: Vanilla Ice

Rob Van Winkle would wax this chump like a candle.

Round 3:

Combatants:	Twist	Dominic Victor
Thing he loves more than anything:	Singing, Dancing, and Friendship	Juice	Winner: Dominic Victor
Favorite Expression:	“sweet”	“mo’ juice, mo’ juice”	Winner: Dominic Victor
Prettiest woman he’s ever laid eyes on:	Kiki	Mommy	Winner: Dominic Victor
Biggest Life Challenge:	Learning a dance that Kiki choreographed	Urinating in a designated receptacle	Winner: Dominic Victor

Final Verdict: Dominic Victor

Dominic already knows how to say, “what-what, WESTIDE,” and does his best to get his fingers into a “W.” Seriously, my kid rules.

Tim Sandwich Artist: Hi, welcome to Subway.

[Never looks up, continues to fiddle with a bag of broccoli cheddar soup]

Randy: Duuuuude, baby, what it is, what it is?

Sandwich Artist: What kind of bread would you like?

Randy: Ehhhh, I don’t know dog. This is hard man, this is hard.

[Fiddles with the whiskers on his chin while looking intently at 6 loaves of bread]

Sandwich Artist: I’d go with the Honey Oat, it’s got oats on it.

Randy: Hawwwww man, I like it. You know what I like about it is that even though it’s a little yeasty at times, it’s still able to bring me back in with the oat. I like it man.

Sandwich Artist: What kind of sandwich can I make for you?

Randy: Yo dog, dog, you even have to ask? Chicken Bacon Ranch, baby! Love that ranch, dude, feelin’ it, ranch is where it’s at yo!

Sandwich Artist: Alright. Would you like cheese?

Randy: I’m going to say 100% yes!

Sandwich Artist: Toasted?

Randy: I’m going to say 1000% yes!

[Guy slides the sandwich on to the tray for the toaster. Both awkwardly await for the toasting to commence]

Sandwich Artist: Would you like any vegetables on here?

Randy: Duuuude, dawwwwwg, duuuuuuude, no.

Sandwich Artist: What about the ranch?

Randy: Six-hundred-million-thousand-hundred percent yes!

[A small amount of ranch is applied]

Randy: Duuude, it’s just like it doesn’t have enough UUUUGGGGGHHHHH! Come on man, UUUUGGGGGHHHHH!

[Ranch completely covers every available inch of the sandwich]

Randy: Dawg, dawg, dawg! That’s what I’m talkin bout! I felt that, I felt that.

[Thumps chest with fist, repeatedly]

Sandwich Artist: Would you like to make this a combo today?

Randy: No. Sorry duuuude. Today’s not your day man.

Sandwich Artist: Okay then, that will be $6.18.

[Pays with diamond from his watch face]

Sandwich Artist: Thank you, have a good day.

Randy: Once you got started you had it goin’ on! I was like WHAAAAAAT! Just really classy man, you made it your own. Awesome. Awesome.

[Randy walks out. Sandwich artist goes back to fiddling with the bag of soup]