Generally I only post the first response received after a complaint letter because they tend to get a bit dry after initial contact is made. However, seeing as many of you seem to have an unhealthy obsession with the Propel Zero saga and my girl, Crystal, over at Gatorade customer service keeps bringing the heat, I’ll break tradition just this once and share the note that will sadly, in all likelihood, be the end of my relationship with Crystal. Please don’t cry for us. Crystal and I are both adults and we knew when we started this torrid affair that it wouldn’t last forever. Relationship that ignite as passionately as ours are destined to burn out quickly. Still, I think we’re parting as friends. I say think because frankly I’m not 100% sure. Here’s her last email in its entirety. Take a read and then I’ll tell you what’s stuck in my craw:
Thank you so much for your wonderful reply, and for reaching out to us again. Your blog post has been passed around these hallowed Propel Zero halls, and has made me very popular. I was touched and thrilled to be nominated for Notorious D.A.D. Complaint Response of the Year Award!
I wanted to let you know that I have received your mailing address, as well as the information from your bottle, and am sending your coupons out at once. They’ll arrive in about a week.
Again, thank you for writing, Andy, the great and powerful. Have a great day!
Gatorade Consumer Relations
A Division of PepsiCo
She loves me, right? I mean, I have clearly made her famous beyond her wildest dreams and likely served as the catalyst that will raise her shining star up through the Gatorade organization’s ranks. I was happy to do it and she truly deserves the spoils that come with my highest endorsement.
So what’s eating at my psyche, you ask? It’s the title she gave me in the last paragraph. I mean, the unique mix of awesomeness in my genetic makeup gave her so many monickers from which to choose: Andy the Wise and Charismatic, Andy the Noble and Bold (and Charismatic), Andy the Charismatic Conquerer, the list goes on. But Crystal chose to go with a title most closely associated with The Wizard of Oz. And while it’s true that I admire The Wizard for holding dominion over an entire fantasy realm using only a hot air balloon and some parlor tricks, the man was a fraud, Crystal. . .A FRAUD! What are you implying? Andy the Bold and Nobly Wise, Charismatic Conqueror hides behind no curtain!
Forgive me, Crystal. maybe that outburst wasn’t warranted. Upon some reflection, perhaps I have misinterpreted your intentions. Perhaps you truly can see all the way into my virtuous core. Perhaps, you chastised me for my own good, like John Lithgow at the end of Harry and the Hendersons. I couldn’t see it myself, but you, dearest Crystal, believed that I could squeeze just a little more “funny” out of this exchange.
That’s what love is, faithful readers: doing what’s necessary even when it hurts. Maybe Crystal believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. I choose to cling to this version of Crystal–Crystal the Bright Shining Beacon of Compassion and Mercy. The world is a better place because she’s in it. . . as long as those coupons arrive on time. If they don’t, I’m totally trashing her to all of my friends.
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