It’s easy to rest peacefully when your bed is made of rock-hard muscle and confidence
During our latest trip to Giant Eagle, Kerry pointed out a shirt that I can only assume was designed to be a Father’s Day present. It had two spaces for little hand prints delineated by dotted lines and the vomit-inducing slogan, “Best Dad, Hands Down” in bold colorful lettering written across the nipples. Apparently mothers are supposed to dip their child’s hands in ink or paint or blood and then press them onto the shirt creating what may be the most craptastic Father’s Day present in the entire history of fatherhood.
Proving my wife rules, Kerry made fun of whatever poor-excuse-for-a-mother would try to pass this off as a legitimate gift, culminating in a full-out laughgasm when she realized the lady behind us in the check-out line was actually purchasing the shirt.
Mothers, you obviously need some help. We meant it when we said we didn’t need anything, but since you won’t listen, here’s a quick list of five things we actually want:
#1: Home-made gifts – This may surprise you, but we’re not completely heartless. We love showing off our kids’ scribbles. As proof, I proudly display last year’s Father’s Day gift on my desk at work, a “hand-print” pen holder my wife (and allegedly Dom) made out of clay. However, it’s a fine line. Here’s the distinction: if it’s going to be a cute little craft, it should be able to be displayed without being worn. We’re all sex symbols in our own minds. Let us have our delusions for one day a year, and refrain from forcing us to wear a #1 dad fishing hat to prove our love.
#2: Tools – This isn’t a cop out gift. Men really like tools. I suggest something dangerous, preferably with a shiny metallic blade. It’s Father’s Day, so wait at least 24 hours before mentioning the home improvement project you had in mind when you bought it and just let him dream about all the stuff he’d like to cut for a day.
#3: A Nap – Make it a really long one, right at the part of the day when you’re usually forcing him to do something productive.
#4: “The Business” – I won’t elaborate because this is a family blog, but we promote honesty at Notorious D.A.D, so it had to be said.
#5: 6,000 Calories of Meat – Bacon and eggs for breakfast (use a whole pig and a dozen eggs), roast beef sandwich for lunch (remember to buy the horseradish), and steak and potatoes for dinner (with a side of steak and potatoes). And the best part for you? We’ll probably fall asleep before achieving gift #4.
If you only have time for one, I think I speak for all the dads out there when I say, please choose #4. Whatever you ultimately decide to do, remember that we really are as simple as we seem.
Tagged with: father's day • father's day gift ideas • father's day gifts