Fear #1: Your wife is using headphones to pump Mozart into her womb, but you feel no connection with your unborn child whatsoever.
Andy Says: Completely irrational
I’m just going to come out and say it. Every time Kerry made me feel Dom kick, I couldn’t get the scene from Alien out of my head. You know the one I’m talking about – baby alien rips through dude’s chest cavity; hilarity ensues. In theory I was glad I was going to be a dad, but I didn’t feel much of a connection to my unborn child. However, the moment Dom came out I felt instantly connected to him, little cone-head and all.
Fear #2: You’re completely unprepared to be a father
Andy Says: 100% Rational
Dude, you’re totally not ready. The good news is that you don’t have to know everything right away. It’s a “learn-on-the-job” type gig, not to be confused with “rent-to-own.”
However, I do suggest swapping out whatever drivel you’re currently reading in the bathroom for Happiest Baby on the Block. Pay attention to the 5 S’s: swaddling, shhhing, swinging, sucking, sedating. I’m not sure if that last one is accurate. . . Regardless, Dom responded well to the techniques in the book, and I responded well to sleeping again.
Fear #3: Sex won’t be as good after your wife gives birth
Andy Says: Completely irrational.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking after child-birth, sex is going to be like humping a punch bowl. You’re wrong. Everything heals, gentlemen. While it’s true that you have to be a little more willing to seize the moment, in my experience, there’s something about being my wife’s baby daddy that turns her on like nothing else in the world can.
Fear #4: You won’t have any time for yourself
Andy Says: Somewhat rational, at least for the first few years.
It is absolutely true that I’ve seen fewer movies, played fewer video games, and laid on the couch like a lazy pile-of-mess much less since Dom was born. However, once you see your little guy, it simply doesn’t matter much. I consider missing Harold and Kumar Go to Guantanamo Bay in the theatre a fair trade for hearing my flesh and blood proclaim loudly and proudly that he made a “poopy.”
Fear #5: You’re wife has gone orca and you’ll never be attracted to her again
Andy Says: Completely Irrational
This is going to sound like manufactured BS to appease my wife, but I can honestly say that I thought Kerry was about the cutest thing ever when she was pregnant. If you’re not feeling the same way as I did, remind yourself that your wife/girlfriend/drunk-chick-you-knocked-up has become a walking boarding house for your spawn. Your libido has rightfully fallen a few spots on her prioritization list. She is, after all, dealing with someone drop-kicking her uterus from the inside. Give her a few months and the benefit of the doubt. It’s true that you’ll never be the most important person in the world again, but then, neither will she.