My brother was a senior at Toledo during my freshman year at Bowling Green. He was happy to buy me beer, but he me made me abide by one rule: I was only allowed to request Milwaukee’s Best or Natural Lite. He told me that good beer was wasted on the underage. He was absolutely right.

Now, college is further away than I’d like to admit. I sometimes reflect fondly on the days of having no real responsibility except for showing up to class. I do not, however, miss sucking my beer through a funnel. With the relative sobriety of responsibility comes the appreciation of good beer. I’m no snob, but I do have rather strong opinions on the subject. My least favorite beers are rated on a scale of 1 to 5 miserable Dominics (5 miserable Dom’s being the worst beer ever). My favorite beers are rated on a scale of 1 to 5 happy Dominics (5 happy Dom’s being the best). I hate all IPAs, so I’ve left them off of my list entirely.

Bud Light – Simply put: it tastes like poison. Stop buying it because the commercials are funny, you sheep.

Budweiser American Ale – I don’t necessarily endorse what my body does the next day, but this is a good all-around ale, and it comes at a lower price than the micro-brews. The fact that the same company makes Bud Light and American Ale makes me believe peace is possible in the Middle East.

Grass Roots Ale – The guy at Great Lakes Brewing Company who created Grass Roots Ale should get a face punch from the guy who created Conway’s Irish Ale for tarnishing the brewery’s good name. Unless of course the same guy created both, in which case I’d like to shake his hand while simultaneously punching him in the face.

All Great Lake Beer, Except for Grass Roots Ale – Phenom. Visit the brewery and get the chocolate coffee porter. It’s the one thing that saves people living in Cleveland from crippling depression.

 

Corona – Drinking Corona is supposed to make me feel like I’m experiencing “the islands.” Apparently experiencing “the islands” involves having somebody piss in your mouth. But if you add a lime, at least it tastes like piss with a citrusy finish.

Land Shark – This is what Corona should be. I’m not a big fan of this style of lager, but this is far and away the most palatable of the bunch, plus it’s made by Jimmy Buffet’s brewing company, and that one song he sings isn’t completely horrible.

 

Wacko (Magic Hat Brewery) – It’s beet beer, and it tastes exactly like beet beer. The color is unique in a good way, but the taste is unique in a “why did anybody ever think this was a good idea” way. I’m a big fan of Magic Hat beer because at least I know it won’t taste like everything else, but I could have done without this one.

Odd Notion (Magic Hat Brewery) – There may be another beer as dark as this one, but you’d be hard-pressed to find one darker. It tastes like chocolate and coffee and night time. As far as I know it’s only available in the fall seasonal 12 pack. All four beers in the sampler are solid (especially the “Circus Boy” Hefeweizen), but this is the headliner.

 

Sam Adam’s White Ale – I’m a big fan of almost all Sam Adam’s beer, but the White Ale tastes like puddle water. If you squeeze in an entire orange, you can choke it down, but then just like with Corona, you become one of those guys who puts fruit in his beer. Ask yourself if you really want to be that guy and be prepared to live with the consequences.

Shock Top – Michelob realized it was losing market share to micro-breweries, so it came out with a line of mass-produced pseudo-micro brews. They’re surprisingly good. Shock Top is probably my favorite of the bunch, followed closely by Winter Cask Ale (seasonal). Shock Top is light at about 100 calories/bottle, but makes you feel like you’re drinking something a bit more substantial. If you’re not into citrus, stay clear.

 

Heinekin – At least I can now say I know what a skunk’s ass tastes like.

Coor’s Light – It really is as cold as the Rockies. I know, because the mountains on the bottle are blue. True, it’s not as exciting as some of the others on this list, but every man needs a solid drinking beer for when his kids are staying at the grandparents and “moderation” can be a foreign concept again, if only for one brief evening.

 

Tagged with: beer • bud light • budweiser american ale • coors light • corona • great lakes brewery • magic hat • magic hat brewery • shock top • winter cask ale

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