I’ve routinely cut my own hair since college because I realized that the opportunity cost of giving $10 to the barber, was not having $10 to give to the bartender. Only after I gained the means to buy both beer and haircuts did I realize that I’m also a cheap bastard. Thus, I’ve become very efficient at cutting my own hair, but I digress. All you really need to know is that I cut my stupid hair tonight.

I was afraid the clipper buzz would wake Dom because my bathroom is right across the hall from his room, so I took refuge in Kerry’s bathroom for a quick haircut and a shower. What I found in her bathroom blew my freaking mind. Here’s a comprehensive list of the items that rested on a single 12 inch shelf (how she fit everything was a modern engineering marvel). I sampled each in order to better understand the female psyche:

1) Organix Nourishing Coconut Milk Shampoo – presumably just like my more economical Suave shampoo, except that it smelled like delicious coconuts instead of sweaty taint.

2) Breathe Romance High Lather Moisture Wash (Soap Free) – I can’t even wrap my mind around soap-free soap. However, I can attest to the fact that it smells exactly like romance.

3) Garnier Microbead Cream Scrub *oil free – Take regular liquid soap, pour in one handful of sand and three handfuls of excruciating pain.

4) Clinique 7-Day Scrub Cream – The more viscous/masochistic version of Garnier Microbead Cream Scrub. I’m assuming it’s at least $15 more expensive per bottle because they throw in an extra handful of sand.

5) In(fus)ium 23 Shampoo – Suave shampoo in a futuristic looking bottle.

6) Mary Kay Red Tea & Fig Loofah Body Cleanser –I’ve never smelled a fig and I didn’t know red tea existed, so I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt on the scent.

7) Rusk Sensories Calming Conditioner – Boasts a guarana & ginger 60-second hair revive. It has been an hour and a half and my widow’s peak has shown no signs of revival, religious or otherwise.

8 ) Rusk Sensories Calming Shampoo – Suave shampoo in a standard Suave bottle. The label is different, but it has that same Suave sweaty taint scent that I know I can trust.

9) Mach 3 Straight Razor – Finally, a product I can fully endorse without reservation. I support both Gillette for making this kick-ass product and hair-removal in general.